Dear 14-year-old boy,
Good thing your mom took you out of school this afternoon to see if you could make sense of ALF, and if you could, she'd gladly reward you with some dessert you just made for yourself. Too bad you couldn't make sense of the movie, because after watching it, you informed her that it should have starred the following true-to-life bodybuilders: Daniel Ledesma, Mike Hughes, Dean "The Man" Roberts, D.H. “Ponyman” Adams, Randy "Hollow Man" Zucchino, Curt DeGray, Billy “The Schwizz” King, Billy “Boner Bull” Bright, The Tazmanian Devil, Bionic Man Chuck Calabrese, Michael “The Purple Man” Smallwood, and the sole non-human character Zach Gillen.
Sadly, your insightful question has completely exhausted your intellect. And yet, even though we realized that you had no idea what ALF actually was about, we still wish you had asked us—a group of 12 random Buddhist monks from Thailand—to tell you how the film was made. So do yourself a favor, this post is actually for you, and we'll mention which parts you can confirm or deny on your behalf.
TO ALF’S RELATIVES: Do not see the film.
TO ALF’S NEIGHBORS: If you see this film, we will forgive you for all the awesome times you’ve had without us, but please never, ever let us see it again.
TO BONES OF THE BOMBSKULL: I know you think of yourselves as such a wise man, but there was not one morsel of wisdom contained in that plot in which you questioned a boat full of depleted uranium into searching for ALF. Seriously. No. Thank you.
TO GERMANY: Yes, I was discussing the film with a friend over lunch about 20 minutes ago and, since he’s a German, he was a bit more informed than me, but he still can’t believe that people even saw the film. He considers it the worst atrocity of the 20th century, and it’s because people actually believed that story—it’s the things that happen to people that make them unique. That’s how philosophy works. By analogy, seeing one as opposed to witnessing it and interpreting it as the worst thing ever imagined gets you a little closer to understanding the piece of your heart that’s hurt, even if it’s not your heart, and it works the same way in the other direction, too, right? So it shouldn’t be out of place that we’re more on the side of ALF than a German, do you understand what I’m saying? I’m just saying, if I hear you say in the next two weeks that this ALF thing is a movie for grownups, you’re fucked.
TO NEIGHBORS IN CONNECTICUT: Yes, I’m pretty sure that everyone was like “Oh, kids these days,” and then they immediately proceeded to stay up all night and put in heavy front of a nondescript gas station that I can’t remember. But you know what? People should know who you are—that’s the point of exercise, right? Everyone should know who you are—and if you’re not capable of developing that knowledge on your own, then certainly those adults who sat you down in the first place should.
TO ALF’S RELATIVES: When someone says, “Wanna put away that ALF thing for awhile?” I would say, “This is a movie for grownups, and that’s not what it’s about. They certainly aren’t idiots!”
TO NEIGHBORS IN OREGON: “Wanna put away that ALF thing for awhile?” No. I’d say “‘ALF’ is a movie for pets” and then throw up my arms.
TO NEIGHBORS IN FLORIDA: “Wanna put away that ALF thing for awhile?” I’d say “You’re fucked.”
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