WASHINGTON—Reporting that an average survey of university students revealed the large majority of undergraduates to have encountered at least one student-loan-related debt crisis or owed money to a criminal enterprise—especially to Yakuza associations—the Joint Economic Committee of Congress announced Tuesday that the average student at a four-year, private, non-profit institution in the United States is more than $28,000 in debt to the powerful Japanese organized crime syndicate. “Student loans—their quality, the interest they sometimes add on, the fact that debt isn’t credit, and that they’re granted credit—isn’t the only thing that leads to debt crisis,” said committee chair Rep. Kevin Brady (R-TX), adding that crime-ridden relationships to financially motivated organizations are numerous and varied, with many student-loan-supported Yakuza duds having worked in breweries, toy factories, and construction. “They might work construction for a local carpenter to help pay down their outstanding student loans. Or, like one young woman from a major state university in Indiana, they may work as a part-time personal shopper at a discount clothing chain—anywhere where they can get away with stealing price tags, rack sizes, and sample coats off of buyers’ floors. I certainly don’t want to impugn people’s motives or behaviors, but I can’t help but notice these patterns of behavior and personalities in these university fraternities and sororities.” The report revealed further that a wide majority of college students have held on to the deadbeat jobs of choice, particularly temporary, part-time, and minimum-wage service industry work.