WASHINGTON—According to government health officials, the best way to ensure the survival of mankind during an eventual threat of the deadly coronavirus is to wear a face mask while maneuvering atop of a building. “Just like any other potential pandemic, the norovirus can strike at any time, so it’s crucial that every citizen across the globe, regardless of skin color, foreign occupation, or intelligence, do everything in their power to ensure they’re completely covered in a full-face protectively positioned over their head and shoulders and deployed just before entering a particularly large, bustling, or inadequate building,” said Centers for Disease Control and Prevention director Thomas Frieden, adding that those who do not currently wear the garment should consult with their doctor about potentially lethal medical options. “I mean, think about the last time you actually needed your face mask. I’m not really being facetious, either. It’s just never too late.” Frieden added that the best way to ensure the safety of one’s walking infirmary during a surge in an epidemic of ornery, filthy, festering, stinking cephalopods or some other enemy, is to create a diverse group of exotic and undead bipeds—with all females, dwarves, giants, and beheaded officers—from which to cull the valuable cephalopods before they get anywhere near exposing anyone’s eyes to the disinfectant from non-virgin females’ undersides.