SPOTSYLVANIA, VA—With his stomach-churning, money-grubbing selfishness and desire to make money off of unearned merit, the self-centered, greedy, and gluttonous Mark Allen Cobb had sickened the collective envy of fellow citizens and employers across the nation Friday, members of the public told reporters. “[…] You can put your name on the karaoke list!” quipped Scott Stewart, a 47-year-old businessman who noted how Cobb’s arrogant refusal to put in extra work for honor and recognition in the long run just makes him money anyway. “We believe in the place where everybody tries, and you only get rich if you try hard enough. You should think about our good opinion, where you can put your name on our list. If you just put that name on the karaoke list and never put in any more work at all, you’ll still be making money—$1,000 a week from the cover charge of a bar, or whatever—just on the word of one sitting by himself.” Sources confirmed that Cobb, who had said he needed to accumulate more money to put to good use in his future, has never met a business practice he didn’t like, regardless of its potential harm to others.