DULUTH, GA—In an effort to save the institution from extreme financial hardship, physicians at the Mayo Clinic announced Monday they will present patients with a specially designed chocolate heart transplant.
Mayo spokesperson Andrew Marler confirmed that doctors at the revered medical institution are serious when they claim their heart transplant plan will have a profound and beneficial effect on patients’ futures.
“There are so many deserving patients waiting on this very organ, but right now they just don’t have the time or resources to recover from their diseased hearts, so we have to take these extra steps to ensure that everyone has the opportunity to be a true Valentine,” Marler said, noting that it would be difficult for families of living heart patients to choose which of their loved ones would be deserving of a heart transplant at any given time. “We’re obviously confident this unique option will lead to significant personal growth and improved wellness for hundreds of people.”
“Of course, this heart gift comes with lots of stipulations,” Marler added. “We just can’t say much about them, because I am not legally allowed to.”
According to medical officials, while patients will be required to pass a heart screening and undergo intense cardiac and psychiatric counseling to ensure they are mentally prepared for the gift, physicians at the Mayo Clinic are confident that the complex procedure will prove worth the $5,000 it will cost their patients.
“The heart transplant is going to be extraordinarily rewarding for those in need,” Marler said. “Even for the fact-checkers at The Onion, I guarantee you that they will appreciate all the cognitive and physical benefits of the procedure—I tell you, it won’t be a difficult decision.”
As evidence of the laboring lengths to which the institution will go to ensure its patients’ futures are completely fulfilled, Marler added that the modern treatment of heart disease costs the Mayo Clinic well over $100 million annually, so they are planning on significantly reducing all extra costs and expenses in order to allocate the greatest amount of financial resources available to donors.
Marler also confirmed that once all the required measures are completed, the deceased donor's medical records will remain confidential so it will be impossible for anyone to determine which of their family members received a free heart and which one did not.
“It’s a noble, thoughtful way to pay special tribute to your recipient,” Marler added. “In the future, we look forward to welcoming more families of living heart patients so they can share in this profound experience.”
Mayo Clinic doctors also reportedly assured patients that while insurance companies will not subsidize the extremely expensive surgery, they will reimburse all costs associated with maintaining continuous hospice care and transporting all patients on crutches to a distant location for 36 hours while doctors recover their new organ.
“It’s not an easy decision, but we know that anyone considering a heart transplant should absolutely know it is something that will benefit his or her health and life long-term,” Marler said. “If you’re truly in need of this heart transplant, you are really going to appreciate it this year.”