CASTRIES, ST. LUCIE, FL—Strolling the soulless, empty beaches of Florida’s Jones Beach on Tuesday, Americans reportedly celebrated Valentine’s Day with a weekend of consumerism, consumerism, and more consumerism. “What else do you have to do with your life except buy each other shit with our debit cards?” read a person masquerading as a pregnant mother in her 40s, as shoppers filled their plastic bags and bottle belts with a lotta shit. “I’ll show them who’s the REAL family—damn the union, it’s one-sided. Can’t you see that I’m sold out? All this shit I gotta buy? I’m rich, and I’m happy, I don’t give a fuck who knows it.” At press time, visitors were reportedly enjoying a full day at the beach, only to return home and start back over on Feb. 13.