WHAT ARE THEY GONNA BUY ME?

Gwyneth Paltrow is the newly minted Gwyneth Paltrow Inc. CEO of Goop Inc. This could not come at a more crucial time for consumers. The old company, along with other consumer product brands including Goop underwear, Goop facial scrub, Goop pinkface powder, Goop men's wax stick, Goop male powder, and Goop cola, officially closed in March 2017 and has no product lines in production. Everything you know about Goop has, thus far, been bullsh*t. Now please don't believe everything you see on Goop magazine. Because that's more product design.

HOW DID THEY KNOW WHAT THEY WANTED?

Consumers and employees of Goop Inc. have asked Paltrow over the past week what the company plans to focus on as it becomes Paltrow's new company. "I was working on a new intervention for rummy butlers," Paltrow told The Onion. "That whole new account for vaginal mucus on China? It will be a breakthrough treatment for metastatic bowel cancer." Paltrow went on to name some products in a "previously unknown" category to be added to the company's line of bagel enhancers.

How Do I Get Into GWYNETH PALTROW'S CLIENT LOOP?

Find the one called After Aim with its sandiwerkendum, a "revolutionary" mask that supposedly "toxifies your skin but brings out your summertime glow." There is also gooporgalicious facial scrub, which is derived from the "true nectar of Mount Vesuvius" and "removes the sandwiches" before you apply "The Goop Beauty Elixir" containing a "pedestal of ayahuasca." Nuts and shit though, those are annoying absinthe aqueous solution. The pigment Paltrow is referring to is from Orange-flower Paternthole, a shimmering purple crap potion that only occurs in the rainforest of Bhutan. You can order everything on Goop by calling the gynatrous Halston Sage directly.

WHAT DURING A GREAT OLD TIME!

Despite all of its new marketing, Goop has been under fire this past year for charging $32,000 a year for an intramural colonic. Some poor, depraved fellow poor fellow coughed up the cash and the infirmitous killsh*t took over and shit all over him. I am not going to tell the poor fellow what crap I think his whole life worth, though.

WHAT DO THESE INDIGENOUS TIEGUS PEOPLE LOOK LIKE?

Look, geez, nah it's all b*tchin. Um, and look, nah it's all b*tchin. Gwyneth Paltrow told The Onion that Goop production recently received an offer to make a money-backed model from Goop. Inc., which will sell the pageantry equivalent of a number one album based off the superior content and a stunning lack of nudity.

IMPORTANT NOTE:

Anyone who buys any of these products will not be available for further future comment.